My personnel prayers for 2022 were filled with hope given the past few years that have been filled with global pandemic and climate catastrophic events, political discord and division, personnel loss of family and friends, and physical challenges unresolved. I saw the new year in my dreams as healing and positive. I thought nothing more of it as time continued to unfold.

To all women out there…. go get an annual mammogram. Breast cancer is not our friend and if we take our eyes off it (life) for a minute it (cancer) can grow. At over a half of century old and having had these boobs for my lifetime getting mammograms regularly had been what I had consistently done throughout my life. The due diligence on my part was greater given the early beginnings of my menstruation and hormone treatment to regulate them. From age 10 to 30 I had used birth control to regulate menstruation because I had Menorrhagia, heavy, prolonged bleeding that was detrimental to my overall health. In attempt to continue to treat the issue after transfusions were considered, large amounts of iron injections were given and then birth control pills that were continually increased in their property strengths to stop the symptoms. After giving birth issues began again and a complete hysterectomy was done taking all my hormone producing parts leaving me dependent again on a hormone replacement to control different symptoms. Symptoms that come from an early-in-life complete hysterectomy. Bottom line, all female hormones and physiological parts have relations with one and other. The breasts on my body had been impacted by my history. I didn’t know to what extent until I had been called back in for a biopsy of my left breast where a mass was seen in the 3D routine mammogram in early Spring.

While the breast cancer situation was revealing itself through the ordered imaging, my left leg started to burn with the pain of a blow torch on high going over my left quad area relentlessly. The position most comfortable and relieving was none. Sitting caused the most seer of fire sensation. Lying flat was the only way to slightly lesson the pain. The physical discomfort was a distraction from breast cancer due to the severity the pain was felt. I felt like a landslide of physical sensations were redirecting my focus to nothing but pain. It’s presence was taking over. I laid flat each and every day passing with pain while waiting on imaging results. Spring was outside with sunny days filled with blue skies. I was able to look out a window each new day. Spring brought more than had hoped for in a package designed for introspection and self-reflection with surprise growth within beyond the scope of my own imagination. Physical and emotional challenges can push us to new points of perspective if we let it. When the imaging results came back for my breast and my lower spine I was in for diagnosis’s that were not part of my plan but apparently part of the journey that I on. Its cancer and possible paralysis from my back.

It was still the season of renew, rejoice, rejuvenate, and rebirth. None of physical challenges I had been experienced had struck me as hard as these this year, this Spring. All that I knew to be was then questionable. The future I had held in heart was slipping away into the fog of here and now. Concentration, focus, prayer, mediation, and the correct vernacular were becoming vital in my survival to stay afloat in the newness of my new medical reality. What I had known for so long slipped through and out of my fingers leaving me holding a whole new understanding of what Spring means to me…. this year. Shedding old ways, thoughts, and patterns can take years to complete. Yet a perfect storm can make it happen overnight or its just Spring.

I needed to get in the driver’s seat of destination to health: spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. The notable storm blew in so hard and heavy in its approach I was broken wide open to finally see all the truths that needed to be revealed. I had not seen the real truth for almost a decade. My past experience had impacted me beyond my own emotional knowledge and ability to compute keeping me in a safe harbor until the truth could be emotional and spiritually processed. Physically my body cried out with inflammation, chronic pain, and reactions to most things I chose to eat. I wasn’t feeding my mind, body, or soul. I had neglected my “being” for years. It had been easier and more comfortable to care for others than to care for myself. Once I knew in my heart, I had a fight on my hands with the cancer and issues with my back I needed the mental fortitude and clarity to rise to a place of “Being” that was WHOLE and HEALTHY.

They say if you have to have cancer breast cancer is the best to have-REALLY? Fuck Cancer! No cancer is good cancer. I am blessed to have found it early. And that it is said to be a slow growing cancer. Without regular mammograms I probably wouldn’t of been so lucky. The cancer was contained in the left breast the doctors said. The injected blue dye was radioactive and absorbed by the cancerous tissues during the surgery where they used an X-ray machine to be guided to the glowing areas requiring extraction. The dye made the cancer cells blue, easier to see and to remove. They had discussed the procedure with me prior to surgery. The doctors had said that they would be taking as many lymph nodes as needed. Once they got in there they would have free reign to remove all the illuminated blue cancer tissues that they saw. I prayed heavily that they see and would get it all. I had one lymph node removed as it also had had cancer in it.

They got what they could see and referred me to a different oncologist who would follow me through the next legs of treatment. The prescription to decrease the chances of breast cancer returning improves with a protocol of radiation and then hormone inhibitor treatment for five years. The radiation is five days a week for five weeks. The treatment itself is about 10 minutes. They no longer tattoo the breast for radiation they now map the breast by using CT imaging to define the radiation treatment area. The CT was unfun for me because the cord that has developed in my left arm due to surgery became very, very angry and irritated having my arms over my head for 45 minutes. Plus, since my broken neck hands over the head is not ever a feel-good idea. Radiation will not take that long but every day of the week may be a bother to the cord and cause continued pain and discomfort. I continued to pray for painless treatment.

Throughout this transformation, the cancer, and neurological issues in my back, spine and leg, I have been broken open in a way to see much clearer. There has been a knowingness within me that guided me throughout this process with happiness, gratitude, and a peace. I just ‘know’ in my faith that it will all work out perfectly. I have learned how to sit with uncertainty and be ok with it. I have learned how to just be present and not think of yesterday or tomorrow. After the storm and just riding it out to the point of perspective that I currently have I am filled with love, gratitude, and pure happiness. The result of all things happening is not what I ever expected. I thought I’d never get cancer. My back is another story that has a long and convoluted history. I’ve been dealing with those neurological issues since 1990 when my life first had changed in an instant due to a horrendous car accident. That time of waking up was slower and far more painful. The residual impact on my body have lasted years and have been ever present. The shadow that held my pain hung over me with gloom I grew to accept. But not anymore. Thirty years later, another physical shake up, and I believe this time I’d learned the secrets to a long healthy and whole life that will be filled with pure love and goodness.

Every morning I have had a sense of peace and calmness that allowed me to meditate and set my intentions for the day. I no longer got out of bed rushing into my day. I entered slowly with thought and appreciation for each moment that occurs being fully present and aware. The sense of serenity laid deep within my soul sitting with my faith deep in my core. They say attitude is everything and since mine was forced to make a decision (either positive or negative) my faith created this path of possibilities for me to see all the beauty that the world has to offer moment by moment. I will continue to live…in the moments that present themselves and feel all that I can in this life of mine that as turned into a journey to find health and wholeness within. I can do it. I AM doing it.

My life has changed significantly. The greatest change of all has happened within. That’s the place where the real healing needed to take place. The whole-self needed to be aligned with the healthiest path and not the one of least resistance. The tough path. The bumpy path. The dirty path and the one with tears. Tears of joy and of sorrow were felt while shifting and reorganizing thoughts and priorities within to make for a whole healthy self from the inside out where cancer or anything of the like can never find a place to roost or hide within again. My entire being had been shaken and cleaned with new attitudes towards old beliefs that have freed me from the chains I wore within my soul. Through and through faith carried me …..Faith will continue to carry me forward. I thank my cancer and my back for testing me and breaking me wide open to see and feel all that was brewing below the surface because now and only now can the healing continue since the walk through the storm was successful. Love, self love, was the key ingredient that to maintain a healthy lifestyle. My gratitude towards this journey has been wrapped in my love and tucked in a safe place where I will keep it as a reference for eternity. I realize it’s not just Spring for rebirth and rejuvenation. The joy of Spring can be felt through out the year if we choose to remember the goodness of every new day we are given an opportunity to love and live this life. Moment to moment in the presences of now. And remember… in the blink of an eye everything can change!